The first step in being assertive is to understand what assertiveness is.  One way to describe assertiveness is look at examples of assertive behaviour.  It is sometimes a willingness to speak up.  More importantly, an assertive person has an essential belief in him or herself and is willing to validate his or her own truth by speaking up.

Assertiveness is not aggression.  Because of the way we train men in our culture, men are taught that to be strong is to be a man.  Many people express strength as aggression.  It appears the more aggressive they are, the more strength they have.  Many women working male-dominated arenas adopt this attitude as well.  However, when you look at assertiveness – which is really a beautiful thing – it validates your heart strength, your own internal sense of who you are.

Assertiveness is;

1. respect for self
2. respect for other
3. speaking up appropriately

Here are some extraordinary examples of assertiveness overcoming strength.

India’s Mahatma Gandhi became a leader during the complex struggle against Great Britain for home rule.  In 1919, Gandhi launched his movement of passive resistance against Great Britain.  Gandhi’s advocacy of non-violence, known as ahimsa (non-violence), was the expression of a way of life implicit in the Hindu religion. Gandhi held that by the Indian practice of non-violence, Great Britain too would eventually consider violence useless and would leave India. This philosophy spread through India, gaining millions of followers and sparking a series of demonstrations.  The massacre of Indians at Amritsar by British soldiers in 1920 did nothing to deter the followers.  When the British government failed to comply, Gandhi proclaimed an organised campaign of non-cooperation. Indians in public office resigned, government agencies such as courts of law were boycotted, and Indian children were withdrawn from government schools. Throughout India, streets were blocked by squatting Indians who refused to rise even when beaten by police.  Gandhi became the international symbol of a free India.

Gandhi provides us with an example of someone who was physically weak, but morally strong.  He stood up and said what he believed in such a way that others joined in.  A classic case.

Perhaps another example is Mother Theresa’s effort during the war between Israel and Lebanon.  During the war, the front extended across an orphanage and both sides were prepared to bomb this orphanage to gain ground.  Mother Theresa appealed to each side separately to hold a cease-fire, so she could rescue the children.  The Red Cross would support her with trucks.  Both sides refused, because they stood to lose too much, and thought that national security was in jeopardy.  She tried publicly, and both the Lebanese and Israeli armies rejected her offer; then she announced over radio and to the world’s press that she was going in.  She gave them three days notice and then penetrated a war zone.  Until the trucks were actually moving, the artillery shells continued to fall, but when the convoy got out in the middle of the war zone, miraculously, the artillery shells stopped.  The soldiers sat down on both sides and there was a day of cease-fire.

Mother Theresa evacuated the children and the war recommenced.  Once again, an example of assertiveness being something which is really beautiful, immensely powerful and yet not requiring physical strength in any way.

Assertiveness comes from speaking up for what you believe in.

And of course, most important that you believe in yourself.

You don’t have to make others wrong to be entitled to have your own opinion.  Do not allow yourself to feel lessened because your opinion is different to that of somebody else.  Assertiveness actually validates other people as well as ourselves.  But, we do not have to sell out to make others feel better.

Assertiveness also recognises that somebody who disagrees with you is entitled to do that, and the disagreement does not lessen the strength of our own conviction.  You don’t have to convince the other person for your position to be valid.

The lack of assertiveness in most people comes from a fundamental lack of self-esteem.  This lack of belief in yourself may be the result of some kind of traumatic experience earlier in your life.  Maybe your opinion was trampled on, or you have been made to feel less because of your opinion.  Somebody in an authority position, probably a parent, has belittled you or made you small or made you wrong for your opinion, effort or result.  We tend to pull our heads in a little bit and come to the conclusion that we run great risks if we expose ourselves.

People who lack assertiveness recognise that standing up for themselves, or stating their opinion, or saying what they want makes them vulnerable.  It is actually the vulnerability that is the problem.  One of the keys to building assertiveness is to do lots of self-image work.

And you can see that feeling self-worth facilitates the ability to;

1. respect self
2. respect other
3. speak up appropriately

If you have difficulty in distinguishing assertive from aggressive behaviour….remember that you need all three of the above to be assertive. One or two of the three is not good enough, you need to demonstrate all three.

We should never be shy of humiliation, or of being criticized. If criticism comes, take it. Do you know, many times we hold our hands so tight; this is what I am, this is mine, mine, mine! And the moment someone criticizes us, we withdraw. We are so paranoid about the criticism of others. These are the weakest people, I tell you. 
If someone criticizes you, welcome it! If there is something in it, take it. They are taking the risk of losing your friendship, and giving you a comment, or criticism.

You should know that people are there to help you in the world. Don’t see people as enemies. The foolish will look at the world as filled with enemies and hostile people. The wise will look at the world as filled with friends, and think that people are there to help.
From a wise persons’ angle, see that anyone who criticizes you is doing something good to you. They are showing you your mistake, taking the risk of losing their friendship with you. Otherwise, the common man would just say, ‘Okay, why should we lose the friendship of such and such a person? Just say good things, and bye. There is no need to point out your weaknesses.’ 
So, whenever someone criticizes you, listen to it. If the criticism has some substance, take it. If it is coming out of jealously, be compassionate towards them. That is their problem; they are working out their own jealously. They are pouring out their frustration on you. And in some sense, you are just helping them to empty their mind of frustration.

If they are saying it out of compassion, out of friendship and love, then you take it in that sense. So, you should be able to give constructive criticism from a happy calm mind, and be able to take criticism from the same mind. This will transform your ego.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

http://www.artofliving.org/humiliation-blessing-disguise?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+whatsrisrisaid+%28Wisdom+from+Sri+Sri+Ravi+Shankar%29

Giving emotions a voice and validation reduces our emotional ‘baggage’. And we all have emotional baggage…..don’t we!

You simply cannot suppress the negative feelings and expect the positive emotions to remain lively and you certainly can’t expect to grow in love if you can’t feel and express your feelings.

There are four warning signs in every relationship that signal that the emotional connection is weakening, and you are proceeding rapidly toward the loss of love in that relationship.  These are the inevitable consequences of not telling the complete truth.  Not telling the truth in a relationship is like not watering a plant – you are killing something that was once alive and growing, the inevitable result of holding back the truth from someone you care for is that you end up holding back the love as well.

Here are the ‘Four Rs’:

resistance

resentment

rejection

repression.

Resistance occurs when you partner says something or they do something or forget to do something and it bugs you and brings up uncomfortable feelings.  You might feel frustrated, disappointed because you expected something and they didn’t deliver, or maybe you made a mistake and you are worried about their reaction.

These are all feelings of resistance – feelings that come up that we don’t deal with, feel and release.  We begin to feel separated from our partner just a little bit.  It’s not big in the beginning, it’s just little, but most people pretend that these little resistances are not there – you may have thoughts like, ‘oh, no one’s perfect, don’t be so critical,’ or ‘why am I making such a big deal out of this? Just forget it, let it pass’ – like sweeping the dirt under the carpet, but as you keep sweeping and not dealing with it, after a while you’ll trip on the carpet.  These little resistances build up and turn into a feeling of resentment.

Suddenly we get really upset about the little things that use to be no big deal.

Resentment is an intense dislike of the other person for what they are doing.  You just start having these negative feelings about them, in the beginning you used to love them.

When we feel resentful, generally a part of us is feeling we are giving more than we are getting.  We are feeling something unfair is happening, we are not getting what we deserve, it’s not right, it’s not OK and we think that the resentment is caused by their behaviour, but the real cause of the resentment is that we are not feeling loved, and the reason we are not feeling loved is we are not dealing with our own feelings.

When we can release our own feelings then we are open to receiving the love that is around us.  But when we start suppressing those negative feelings because they will make things uncomfortable or we think they will make things worse, our ability to receive love diminishes.  We begin to feel in the relationship – “I am doing all the giving and I am not getting what I deserve”.  Resentment is generally accompanied by an internal experience of anger and tension – you separate from your partner emotionally.  Anger and frustration, annoyance, sharpness or hate are all symptoms of resentment.  If you don’t take the time to explore those feelings deep inside which are giving rise to the resentment, then over time the resentment increases and increases and increases and then it turns into rejection.

Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment builds up that it is impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person.

To connect with them forces you to get in touch with all these built up feelings – so to avoid feeling these painful emotions we feel the need to push away our partner. A lot of this happens unconsciously – we are not even aware of it – rejection slips into the relationship and you will start finding yourself always at odds – you will polarise e.g. even over food, where to spend leisure time, vacation, suddenly can never agree on anything and begin to think that you are just not compatible yet when you go back to the beginning of the relationship you got along on all these issues.  You used to be able to make little sacrifices to work things out, but now he wants something and she wants something differently.  Another symptom of this stage is susceptibility to romance.  This stage is the natural consequence of carrying around stored up resentment.  Now feeling that you love your partner but you are no longer in love with them.  Divorce usually happens in this stage.  If you stay together, you will move into the fourth stage.  If you don’t take the time to explore and release your feelings they will inevitably build up and continue to build up until – repression.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four stages – it occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that suddenly you successfully repress all your negative emotions to keep the peace.

Repression is a state of emotional numbness, which spills over into the rest of your life.  You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness.  The tricky thing about repression is that a couple in this stage may appear to be happy, and may even think that they are happy, because they are numb to all their unhappy feelings.  This is trouble unless they take the time to explore what their real feelings are.

The Four Rs not only explain the loss of love over a long period of time, but also the mechanics of repressing feelings.  Some people are such experts at repressing their feelings that they move automatically from resistance down to repression in a few moments without even recognising what they are doing.

Every time you express the truth about your feelings and get back to the love inside, you are increasing your ability to love and feel connected to your partner to receive what they have to give and to give them what they need to receive.

By learning and practicing techniques to express the truth of how you feel, you can quickly recover your ability to express love particularly at those times when you are stuck in anger, sadness, fear or guilt.  They will help you move through negative feelings and assist you to come back to positive feelings.  Sometimes when you tell the complete truth about how you feel, it doesn’t look like progress because as you heal repressed feelings you may appear to move backwards through the stages of repression through to rejection to resentment and then you release the resistance.

Do you feel hijacked by any or all of these?

What is the secret to recovering your ability to express love?

Build self-esteem

A must do!

Self esteem is not something that happens automatically, it is built by honoring our values, keeping our word (to ourselves and others) and living in alignment with our true self. I encourage you to start making conscious commitments to yourself daily, then holding yourself responsible to the highest standard of keeping them. Accept no excuses – every time you do, you damage your self-esteem….. even if no one but you knows about it. There is no such thing as “getting away with it.” You will pay a price in terms of your self-esteem every single time you are not true to yourself, without exception.  (Dr Andrew Powell, “The Money is in the Mindset”)

Be accountable for your life

What does taking accountability mean? It means owning the fact that you are the author of your life. It also means realizing you are the only person who is responsible for infusing pleasure into your body, and life.

Many individuals complain about their lives and their challenges. Rather than claiming their power to create their  lives in the way they desire.

Ask yourself:

▪    What do you, the author of your life, truly desire?

▪    What do you want to create that you’ve been postponing or ignoring?

If you don’t investigate your desires, and become accountable for them, your life might end up where others want you to be! Live the life you desire……your life, your choice.

Or….. are negative thoughts bogging you down?

Or….for example, are you using positive emotions to allow your body to shed fat. Or do you blame, criticize, make excuses and feel sorry for yourself?

If you want change, enlist positive emotions towards that change.

Will power and control does not work! Your subconscious and emotions will wear down your will power in no time flat.

Get your positive emotions and mindset on side.

Basically, the negative thoughts just don’t give rise to a positive outcome. Very logical really!

Remember that the powerful universal law of attraction is activated by your thoughts, emotions and beliefs.   Emotion in particular is what provides the “fuel” for your desires.

These 3 powerful emotions can change your life:

 1)    Joy.

Joy is one of the highest frequency emotions because it puts you into a state of near bliss.

When you feel joyful, your heart is soaring, your spirits are lifted and you are emitting a blast of positive energy like you wouldn’t believe!

Practice being in a state of joy at least once a day.  How about putting a gentle smile on your face most of the day! You can read or watch something that makes you feel joyful, or simply think of something and visualise it until you’ve got those powerful emotions flowing.

2)    Gratitude.

Gratitude is another strong, positive emotion.

Not quite as strong as joy, but still very good.

Most importantly, gratitude puts you immediately into a state of allowing because you’re focusing only on abundance.

Make a daily habit of feeling grateful and appreciative of everything you have, see, and experience in your daily activities.  You can be grateful for the blessings in your life, but also for the kind people you meet, the beautiful sunrise while you’re out taking a walk, or anything else that brings a smile to your lips.

3)    Passion.

Yet another power-booster for the Law of Attraction, passion thrusts you into a state of feel-good that won’t allow any negativity or lack to intrude.  This can apply to both romantic passion, or emotional passion like you would experience from doing something you really enjoy.

Make time for passion in your life every day.

Indulge in fun hobbies, fresh foods, beautiful artwork and music, and anything else that stirs your passion.

These 3 emotions alone can inspire impressive change in your life, but also be sure to make room for others like love, peacefulness, harmony,

humor and serenity.

All your positive emotions have the power to turn you into a strong magnet for your hearts desire, so try and use them at every opportunity you can.

Here’s a link for more ideas on positive thinking – http://onelifetimeblog.com/2012/12/25/some-thoughts-on-dec-25-2012/

Imagine how different the world would be if we could all push to do the things we want to do, be the people we want to be and live how we want to live. 

Two seeds lay side by side in the fertile soil.

The first seed said, “I want to grow! I want to send my roots deep into the soil beneath me, and thrust my sprouts through the earth’s crust above me … I want to unfurl my tender buds like banners to announce the arrival of spring … I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and the blessing of the morning dew on my petals!”

And so she grew…

The second seed said, “I am afraid. If I send my roots into the ground below, I don’t know what I will encounter in the dark. If I push my way through the hard soil above me I may damage my delicate sprouts … what if I let my buds open and a snail tries to eat them? And if I were to open my blossoms, a small child may pull me from the ground. No, it is much better for me to wait until it is safe.”

And so she waited…

A yard hen scratching around in the early spring ground for food found the waiting seed and promptly ate it.

Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life.

Stay to the left of the but’s…….

There is a wisdom that knows what’s best for us but we usually ignore it.

I need to rest but there’s no time

I really want to sing but what if I embarrass myself

I want to leave my job but how will I survive?

I want to start my own business but what if I fail

So sad that we have lost the trust in ourselves and intuition. As I have consciously chosen to listen and act on my gut feelings……life is much smoother with less dramas.

Practice affirming what is positive

We all have a tendency to fucus on the negatives and what we don’t want – we often create that negative reality for ourselves.

Focus on what you want. Believe in your ability to achieve it. Hypnotise yourself with positive self talk each day.

Use the power of visualisation each day

What you think about expands. Visualise your life and business as already existing the way you want it to be.

Affirm your power to choose in all situations

You are not a passive victim of life. You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can always choose how you are going to respond.   Instead of reacting, learn to go within to discover the best choice in each situation.

Examine your self-perceived limits that you have convinced yourself are true.

Suspend disbelief    Practice listening to and following your hunches.

Nurture the silence between your thoughts. Spend time each day in that inner space and stillness befriending your inner wisdom that guides your life and knows what’s best for you.

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” –Buddha

We need to live in the space of friendliness.
Just walk into a classroom and ask the kids, ‘How many friends do you have?’
We have to educate our children to be friendly. This is the way to end aggression. Give them a commitment to make one new friend every day, and you will see how their whole attitude changes.

Non-violence needs not be cultivated. It is natural, but today we need to cultivate it because we have moved far away from the tendencies of natural living. Children think they have to be aggressive to be a hero. This concept needs to be changed.
We need to bring back dignity and pride in non-violence. I would say, when we connect with different communities that will create a sense to belongingness. Fear, anxiety and insecurity will drop away from society. Love and compassion will take the front seat. And time has come for that love and compassion, which is the real nature of all of all human beings, to shine forth. We need to move away from the beast nature that has taken over our society.

There is not a single human being devoid of compassion. It is simply hidden. It needs to be brought out.

 The bottom line when it comes to integrity is that it allows others to trust you. And without trust, you have nothing. Truth is the single most important factor in personal and profession relationships. It is the glue that holds people together. And it is the key to becoming a person of influence.

Trust is an increasingly rare commodity these days. People have become increasingly suspicious and skeptical. Bill Kynes expressed the feelings of a whole generation when he wrote;

We thought we could trust the military but then came Vietnam;

We thought we could trust the Politicians, but then came Watergate;

We thought we could trust the engineers, but then came the Cballenger disaster;

We thought we could trust our broker, but then came Black Monday;

We thought we could trust the preachers, but then came PTL and Jimmy Swaggart.

So who can I trust?

At one time you could assume that others would trust you until you gave them a reason not to. But today with most people, you must prove your trustworthiness first. That’s what makes integrity so important if you want to become a person of influence. Trust comes from others only when you exemplify solid character.

“Becoming a Person of Influence”

John C. Maxwell  Jim Dornan

Character is made in the

small moments of our lives.

–  Phillips Brooks

People today are desperate for leaders, but they want to be influenced only by individuals they can trust, persons of good character. If you want to become someone who can positive influence other people, you need to develop the following qualities of integrity and live them out every day:

• Model consistency of character. Solid trust can develop only when people can trust you all the time. If they never know from moment to moment what you’re going to do, the relationship will never deepen to a confident level of trust.

• Employ honest communication. To be trustworthy, you have to be like a good musical composition; your words and music must match.
• Value transparency. People eventually find out about your flaws, even if you try to hide them. But if you’re honest with people and admit your weaknesses, they will appreciate your honesty and integrity. And they will be able to relate to you better.

• Exemplify humility. People won’t trust you if they see that you are driven by ego, jealousy, or the belief that you are better than they are.

• Demonstrate your support of others. Nothing develops or displays your character better than your desire to put others first. As our friend Zig Ziglar says, help enough other people to succeed, and you will succeed also.

• Fulfill your promises. Never promise anything you can’t deliver. And when you say you’ll do something, follow through on it. A sure way to break trust with others is to fail to fulfill your commitments.
• Embrace an attitude of service. We have been put on this earth not to be served, but to serve. Giving of yourself and your time to others shows that you care about them. Missionary physician Sir Wilfred T Grenfell held that “the service we render to others is really the rent we ray for our room on this earth.” People of integrity are givers, not takers.

• Encourage two-way participation with the people you influence. When you live a life of integrity, people listen to you and follow you. Always remember that the goal of influ­ence is not manipulation; it’s participation. Only as you include others in your life and success do you permanently succeed.

It has been said that you don’t really know people until you have observed them when they interact with a child, when the car has a flat tire, when the boss is away, and when they think no one will ever know. But people with integrity never have to worry about that. No matter where they are, who they are with or what kind of situation they find themselves in, they are consistent and live by their principles.

INTEGRITY

BE TRUE TO YOUR IDEALS, VALUES AND LIFE PURPOSE

Be accountable for your choices and actions in life.

Expect that you will not always live up to your expectations.

Be aware of your character benefits and traps.

Be willing to make mistakes, learn and correct.

DON’T blame others or your life situation for not getting what you want.

Become clear on your own values and live your life in accordance with these.  What is important to you?  Why?

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

Honour yourself and who you are and don’t limit yourself to who you think you are.  You are inevitably far far more!

Life is a process of BECOMING.  Who/what are you willing to become?  Are you prepared to do the work? Be accountable?  Take the required action?

N.B.  Do whatever you need to do to RESOLVE YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY.  If you don’t – your history will run you!

BE YOURSELF

This means transcending the conditioned limits of society,

going out into the world,

being absolutely magnificent.